The Speculum

Pavlovian conditioning (otherwise known as Classical Conditioning) is a procedure that involves learning something by association. It was discovered by Ivan Pavlov sometime in the late 1920's. Typically a neutral stimulus is paired with another stimulus of importance. The neutral stimulus is one that does not illicit any particular response. The significant stimulus is one that evokes some sort of response. Pavlov named those the Unconditioned Stimulus and the Unconditioned Response, respectively. When the conditioned stimulus and the unconditioned stimulus are paired repeatedly, the result is a form of associative learning where the subject begins to respond to the conditioned stimulus. This form of learning is very useful when treating phobias and other anxiety disorders. Pavlov's famous experiment with dogs is proof of that. Dogs hear a bell ring and then are offered food. Eventually, dogs start to salivate as soon as they hear the bell without food being served.

Fast forward some 90 years later, today Egyptian parents have mastered this Pavlovian technique. Parents tell their little girls that they are dirty whores who will suffer greatly if they think of sex. The female genitalia (normally a neutral stimulus) becomes associated with images of shame, hell, and the end of the world when paired with the subject of sex. The result is a generation of women who associate their genitals with pain, physical and emotional. Add to that, those who suffer the unfortunate traumas of sexual assault. Is it really a wonder then that a huge number of Egyptian women suffer from Vaginismus?

I believe sexual education should be healthy and free of myths. It is paramount that we teach our daughters the pleasures associated with their genitals. The majority of Egyptian women don't even know what their genitals are called. Most of them refer to their genitals as "vagina", which is at best, inaccurate. And with that I leave you with a real account of someone who's been through it all. The Girl Next Door* earned my respect and admiration and has kindly consented to let me publish her story.

*Note: I did not link to her blog because it's private and requires permission.

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The Speculum

Having lost my virginity to a traumatic incident of boyfriend rape, I am one of those girls who developed a condition of vaginismus; vaginismus refers to tension in the vaginal muscles, which in turn causes painful intercourse. Women with vaginismus may have vaginal muscles that become so tight the vagina cannot be entered. They often experience pain in the genital, vaginal or pelvic area, and they fear penetration and intercourse. Vaginismus is an involuntary reaction of a woman’s body to protect from anticipated pain. For some women, vaginismus may occur with one partner but not with another. For others, it might occur in all situations.

In an attempt to heal myself, I have been down the road of kegel exercises whereby I consciously contract and release my vaginal muscles. I have also tried a variety of vaginal dilators where I moved at my own pace and decided when I was ready for the next step. This is where my fascination with masturbation came from; no one can love me as much as I love myself and that has posed a challenge to all of my partners.


Several years ago, I bought a speculum online (A speculum is the instrument used to hold the walls of the vagina apart so the interior can be examined). Just looking at it sent my heartbeats racing. Feeling its cold metal surface, its defined edges, and weight made my vaginal muscles contract. I decided to bury it at the very bottom of my closet and assured myself that it will not be used on me - ever!

I sat in front of him in my comfortable recliner as I joked about my silly fears of penetration. His eyes were fixed on mine and he was examining my face as I talked. The room seemed to vanish and his eyes became the center of the universe. He had a deep comforting gaze that made it impossible not to kiss him; yet I never did. His eyelashes were long and thick reaching his well-defined brows and protecting the two black olives that flickered everytime our eyes met.

I was so lost in his eyes and in the warm palms that held mine. I traced his every feature with my eyes - I wanted to tell him how much I loved him, needed him, and trusted him. I said nothing of the sort!

“I want to show you something” I said as I got out of the chair. I ran to my room, unlocked the closet, dug deep, and victoriously found the speculum. My whole body shivered but I was still under the spell of his captivating gaze. I grabbed the lube and latex gloves on the way out of the room and walked back to where he was sitting. I hesitated as I handed him my metal nightmare and the condiments.

“Are you sure?” He asked in genuine warm tone
“Be gentle” I replied in the least audible voice

I got out of my pants and panties, sat back on the recliner, pushed the back of the seat to its limit, bent my legs, and placed a foot on each arm of the chair. I tried to relax as I heard the sound of stretched rubber as he put on the gloves. He seated himself on the floor between my legs we both waited; I waited for his first move and he waited for my signal. “Ok” I finally said.

He moved his forefinger slowly between my outer labia, then bit by bit parted my lower labia. He decided not to use the lube; I felt his warm breath approaching my pussy and before I could complain, his lips kissed mine. His tongue caressed every frightened vein. He licked each inch and every muscle. I loved what he was doing to me and gave in to his strokes. Men who used to go down on me before made me feel that they were, at best, kids licking ice cream, and at worst, dogs drinking water. He was different; he was an artist painting my happiness and erasing my fear.

He inserted his middle finger in my gushing hole and instead of pushing him out, I opened up more. Another finger followed and I moaned. He stopped for a second and then continued working his magic. I reached out to my clit and began rubbing as he held his fingers still inside me. I exploded with an orgasm that shook my whole body; one chakra after the other.

He gave me a minute to recuperate, as he took the speculum in his hand. He got up, kissed my forehead, and asked me not to worry. I rested my head backwards and closed my eyes. I felt his fingers parting my lips and the cold tip of the speculum touched the opening of my vagina. My muscles convulsed. He waited. I relaxed. He pushed slowly. Another contraction. He stopped. I relaxed. He continued. He went at my pace as though he was implanted at the back of my mind - reading my thoughts and fears.

“It’s in” he said as I felt my vaginal walls being spread apart. I heard a click. The speculum held my walls open. He looked at me, smiled, dropped his pants, and freed his not-so-little Willy. He removed the speculum and I gladly welcomed him inside of me.

Tickle His Pickle

Every year I make a list of books which I think belong on my bedside. The majority of the stuff I read is non fiction mostly geared towards sociology, social anthropology, and on occasion autobiographies. To expand my horizons I add a sci-fi novel to the list as well as a humorous book. To satisfy my humor quota for this year's list I chose Tickle His Pickle by Sadie Allison. Self help books normally don't make it to my shelf, but this one got a fair bit of positive reviews, and an especially glowing one from the ever popular Sue Johanson, so I thought I'd check it out.

Tickle His Pickle is marketed as a penis instruction manual on how to provide good oral sex to men. Essentially, it's all about blowjobs, different kinds, different positions, different tools (no pun intended, or maybe intended). The book is clear, concise, and to the point. It's really a small book, about the size of a pocket novel but much thinner consisting of approximately 150 pages. The book's tone is very down to earth and instructions are explained in layman terms with the addition of diagrams and sketches. Although I found the book a bit quirky, it was still tons of fun to read. If anything, Tickle His Pickle puts your imagination to work (nothing wrong with that, right?).

My favourite part about the book was the very last page. It's a sort of letter from the author, Dr. Sadie Allison, to the guy who will be the lucky recipient of the benefits of that book. This is the content of the letter:

I was giggling like a little school girl when I read the list. So ladies, which ones would you check?

سكتناله قام دخل بحماره

The guest writer this month is Hafssa, who has kindly agreed to let me publish her article here. I think the subject warrants discussion. This is the complete text of the original article along with the English translation. You can also find it on her blog. I would like to encourage readers to comment in both languages and if anyone has info about the outcome/progress of Asour's case please drop a line.

تمتاز الامثال الشرقية بالعموم و المصرية بالخصوص بتفردها في وصف حالة معينة بكل دقة متناهية في اقل ما يمكن من كلمات

و يمكن ان يكون هناك عدة اشكال للمثل تنتهي لمعنى واحد

فعنوان المقالة بيقول سكتناله قام دخل بحماره و فيه كمان المكفائ ليه بصيغة" اديته صباعي، راح اكل دراعي"، معاني بسيطة و فطرية جدا و لكنها بتوصف حالة شخصية بيعاني منها المجتمع المصري حاليا

شخصية المتحرش

في البداية من عدة سنين كان الشارع المصري حر، ومحترم و بيخاف على بناته اكتر من الوقت الحالي، حاليا الشارع المصري مصاب بانواع متعددة من الامراض الاجتماعية و الاخلاقية

زمان كانت البنات و التسات بيخرجوا باي كان ملبسهم او عاداتهم، لكن مكناش بنسمع عن التحرشات دي بالمنظر الفج زي ما هو دلوقتي حاصل، بدت تظهر افكار غريبة بيتم التعبير عنها بجمل من مثال" ما هي البنات لو يحترموا نفسهم و يحتشموا شوية او يتحجبوا حيبعدوا خطر التحرش عنهم و مش حيدوا فرصة للراجل انه يقدر يكلمهم" و للاسف ده كان اول تنازل من البنات من غير وعي للنتايج، و اول نتيجة ليه انها حددت قوتها بنفسها في الشارع و خفضت من سقف حريتها و قيمتها و كرامتها.

زادت نسبة الحجاب، ما بين عن اقتناع، لترغيب، لترهيب، لفرضه بشكل متعسف يصل لحد الضرب و التجريس و تشويه سمعة الغيرمحجبة بانها مؤكد " من البنات اياهم" و لك ان تتخيل عزيزي القارئ ما يمكن ان ياتي في بال البشر مندرجا تحت كلمة اياهم دي

لم نلاحظ انه كلما زادت نسبة تغطية المراة، كلما زادت نسبة التحرشات و استفحالها حتى انها تكررت اكتر من مرة على شكل حفلات تحرش جماعي في اهم و اخطر شوارع مصر، و اعني مصر الدولة و ليست مصر كما يطلق الكثيرون عن القاهرة، تحرشات في المنصورة، الاسكندرية، عدد من مدن الصعيد، و هلم جرا.

يبدو ان الحجاب لم يكن كافيا لردع شهوة المتحرش تجاه المراة، فخرجت علينا موضة النقاب، و مرة اخرى تازلت المراة عن جزء اخر من سقف حريتها و كرامتها و قيمتها في المجتمع، و كانت نتيجتة لكدا انه يا للهول، نسبة التحرشات ارتفعت عن اي وقت قبل كدا و طالت الجميع، منقبة، محجبة بجميع اشكالها، غير محجبة و محتشمة، غيرمحجبة و تلبس بما يليق بها شاعرة بانوثتها و لا تخاف الاخرين، و طالت ايضا، انسات،، متزوجات، بل حوامل و كبيرات في السن.

الغريب انه و بحسب مطالب هذا المجتمع كان طلب التحجب و التستر و التنقب ايضا، و عندما تم ما ارادوا اصبحت المشكلة تقع علينا ايضا لاننا "مخبيين نفسنا و الرجالة يا حرام مش قادرة تتجوز فبيفشوا غلهم فينا" ، بتفكرني المقولات دي بفلم مصري كوميدي ظريف اسمه" تجيبها كدا، تجيبها كدا، هي كدا" و قياسا على نفس الاسم، المراة قلعت، المراة لبست، سوف يظل حال المتحرش على ما هو عليه و على المتضررة اللجوء الى القضاء.

يبدو لي انه فعلا يجب تصعيد الموقف للقضاء في اي مرة يتم التحرش بيها باي امراءة سواء كان تحرش بدني، لفظي، معنوي او نفسي

و سواء كان المتحرش من طبقة عالية او طبقة دنيا فانا متاكدة ان قادر يشبع حاجاته الجنسية و بالتالي ميقدرش حد يقلي اصله هايج و مش لاقي,، و حتى اذا مكبوت جنسيا فدي مش مشكلة بنت حوا انها توفرله طعامه، فمهما حصل، احنا مش بضاعة مرمية في الشارع و هو يجيي ياكل منها وقت ما يحب.

المشكلة التانية اللي بتساعد في انتشار النوع ده من التحرشات هي المراة نفسها، ايوة المراة و بقولها بكل صراحة، سلبية المراة هي اللي خلت الراجل يستقوى عليها، خضوع المراة هو اللي خلى الراجل يزود في تحكمه فيها، اقتناع المراة انها عورة و لازم تتغطى و تتكفن و انها ميصحش ترد على "راجل" مع ان الراجل ده قل ادبه و اهانها في الشارع من غير اي حق، و بعد كل ده لسه بنقيمه على اساس انه راجل، طيب هي ايه الرجولة؟؟ قلة ادب؟؟

و الجزء التاني من شكل السلبية دي هو نفس نظرة البنات للبنت اللي بتشتكي من التعرض للتحرش لها، بسرعة يتهم اتهامها بانه العيب في لبسها و انه تستاهل كونها خرجت للشارع.

النوع التالت من شكل سلبية المراة هو انها مستضعفة نفسها و عايشة دور الرقيقة عشان تثبت انثوتها، اسفه ، بس عزيزيتي حواء الرقة مش شرط الانوثة، و لما الانوثة دي تكون مش عارفة ناوية توصلك لفين عشان تثبتي رقتك و تتقي كلام الناس عنك انك قوية؟ ايه العيب في القوة؟؟ لكل مقام مقال،و لكل فعل رد فعل مساوي له في القوة و معاكس له في الاتجاة، ابسط قواعد الطبيعة مينفعش اكون رقيقة و انا بتتم اهانتي و تجريحي بكلام و نظرات خوفا على انوثتي، صدقيني انتي بكدا بتكوني خلاص تحت خط البشرية في نظر الاخرين..

اخر حالة تحرش تحدث حاليا هي لزميلة في التدوين تم التحرش بيها بشكل اقل ما يوصف بيه انه مقزز و حيواني و لكن احييها الف تحية انها كانت من الشجاعة انها تكتب و تقول اللي اتعرض له و الحمدلله ان الاغلبية مؤيده لموقفها اللي هو تصعيد الموقف و تقديمه للمحاكمة مع انها بتتعرض لتهديدات

و لكن في وسط التعليقات اللي جات لها فوجئت بتعليق من مدون بينصحها بنصيحتينو كان نصه كالتالي:"

اسمحي لي أن أتقدم بنصيحتين متواضعتين

1- استمري ولا تتنازلي عن حقك أبدا

فهؤلاء المجرمون يجب أن يتلقوا عقابهم

فليضِع مستقبله بما يفعله

أسأل الله أن ينتقم منه

أو أن يهديه

2- النصيحة الثانية مبنية على صورتك الشخصية في مدونتك، ولتعذريني

التمسك بالحجاب الشرعي (الشرعي، لا أعني الحجاب الموضة المنتشر) يدفع عنكِ أذىً كثيرا

كما أنني أعتقد أنكِ لا ترضين أن تؤذيننا كرجال، كما لا نرضى نحن لكِ الأذى

شكرا

:)

"

بصراحة توقفت مشدوهة قدام التعليق الفذ ده

اولا: مش عارفة فين هي اذت الاخ المعلق او حد غيره باللبس بتاعها

ثانيا: هو الاخ المعلق مخدش باله انه اعلى درجات الحجاب و النقاب حاصلة دلوقتي و لسه فيه تحرشات؟ حضرته مسمعش عن البنات المنقبات اللي بيتم التحرش بيهم هما كمان؟

تلخيصا لكل الحكاوي دي احب اعرف امتى حنبطل نتنازل؟ و امتى حنبتدي نرد على التحرشات دي و منخافش زي ما اسوور عملت كدا و قبلها نهى رشدي؟ و امتى المجتمع حيبطل انه يعيب على البنت و يتدخل في لبسها و شكلها و منظرها؟؟ يعني فلنفرض ان اسوور دي مسيحية، يعني حتى شرعا متقدرش تلبس حجاب لانه مش منصوص عنه لعامة المسيحيات، فهل ده معناه انه يبقى حلال فيهم التحرش و الاغتصاب حسب نظرية احمد مهنا الفريدة؟؟

اسئلتي هي كالتالي

ما العمل تجاه هذه الحيوانات المسعورة؟

الى متى سوف تظل المراة المصرية خصوصا و المراة العربية عموما تتنازل عن سقف حريتها الطوبة تلو الاخرى، و التنازل تلو التنازل محاولة ارضاء بما يسمى " مجتمع" و الى متى سوف يظل " المجتمع" يحملها هي عاقبة الامر؟ و في النهاية حنوصل لمرحلة ان الستات ينتهك عرضهم و هما في البيت؟ خلاص للدرجة دي بقينا سلعة و كمان رخيصة؟

اخيرا احب اوجه سلامي لليلى و كل معاونيها،

Middle Eastern proverbs in general and Egyptian ones in particular are unique in that they speak volumes through a minimum number of words. A proverb could be repeated in various ways but in the end it carries the same meaning all around. For the title of this article I chose the following Egyptian saying: "we remained silent so he entered with his mule". You may have heard it a different way - "I fed him my finger so he ate my entire arm". And although they sound ridiculous, they have an equivalent in the English language; "Silence gives consent", or "All lay loads on a willing horse", etc. Essentially, they all mean the same thing: those who don't speak up for their rights encourage others to transgress further onto those rights. The meanings are very simple but they describe what ails the Egyptian society today: the persona of the sexual offender.

In the good old days, people were free to walk on the streets. Egyptians were respectable folk who cared and feared for their daughters, sisters, and mothers. But that's not the case anymore. Today, Egyptian streets are plagued with a plethora of idiopathic and psychological disorders. In the good old days girls and women wore whatever they wanted but sexual offenses were rare and certainly not with the voracity and intensity of today. Then some peculiar ideas surfaced and were expressed in a most unusual way - "if a girl had self respect, covered up and put on the veil she will prevent sexual harassment and no man will be able to approach her". Sadly, this was the trigger to the deterioration of her rights. Women were unaware of what they were giving up and the consequences, the first of which is the limit to their freedom, and the association between appearance and morals.

In recent years, the rate of hijab has risen considerably regardless of motivation, whether it's by choice, forcibly, or under duress. It has now become the social norm so much so that non-veiled women are showered with dirty looks, whispers, and in many cases a reputation that is marred for life. Some women who don't wear hijab are even referred to as "one of those girls", and you can imagine what kind of images are conjured up with a phrase so simple yet so damaging. What we didn't count on was the fact that the more we cover up the more intense sexual harassment becomes. It's persistence has manifested in many ways including gang bangs and mob mentality assaults that took place all over the country starting with big cities like Cairo and Alexandria and all the way to rural areas and small villages.

It seems that hijab was not enough to ward off the lust of the sexual offender. Now we have a new fashion statement - niqab (total covering of the entire body including the face and hands). And once again, Eve had given up one of her essential rights as a human being, her self respect, her value and her freedom. And the result? Even higher rates of sexual harassment that don't distinguish between the veil, niqab, or lack of it. Sexual offenders have even assaulted the elderly and pregnant women.

What's strange is that even when we complied with the demands of society they still blamed us. For what? For the fact that "we are now all covered; we hide our bodies from the eyes of men who cannot afford the means to marry and so are sexually frustrated, so much so that they take it out on us women." This reminds me of an Egyptian comedy where the plot of the story involves an outcome that is unavoidable no matter what the characters do or say. This is very much the situation we have here. Regardless of whether we cover up or not, the sexual offender remains the same and women have no choice but to resort to the law after the fact. It seems to me that a woman would have to escalate the situation to the authorities every time whether the harassment involves emotional or bodily harm. And whether the offender is high, middle, or low class, I am certain that he is able to satisfy his sexual urges in ways that do not involve harassing women. So those who sympathize with the offender for being 'horny and not getting any' have to take their argument elsewhere. Even if he is sexually frustrated, it's not Eve's fault and she's not responsible for satisfying his sexual needs. We are not abandoned fruit baskets on the side of the road where every passerby can have a bite.

Another problem that propagates this kind of behavior is the woman herself. Yes, it is her, and I say it with all honesty. The passiveness of women encourages men to overpower them. By accepting their dominance we as women have encouraged men to control our every move. By accepting that we as women are supposed to cover up and refrain from fighting back against a sexual offender we allowed "the man" to manipulate us. And after all this, we still value men based on their manhood. What is the definition of manhood, I wonder? And what makes someone a "man"? Uncouth manners or lack of respect?

A different face to that passive behavior is how women perceive victims of sexual assault. They quickly blame the victim for bringing it on herself by wearing inappropriate outfits or simply for going outside the home. And yet a different version of this passiveness is the damsel in distress syndrome. Women who believe they are weak, gentle, and docile inadvertently endorse sexual harassment against women. I'm sorry sister, but refinement is not a condition for femininity. How far are you willing to go to prove you are feminine, that you are not strong? What is so wrong with being powerful? For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. And while politeness is an attribute of civility, it's unacceptable to remain submissive while being disrespected and insulted to preserve femininity. On the contrary, by doing so you make yourself subhuman in the eyes of others.

The latest sexual harassment incident involved a fellow blogger, Asour, where she was verbally assaulted in a most vulgar and disgusting manner, but I salute her for the bravery she has shown in speaking up about what happened to her. I'm thankful that the majority of her readers supported her decision to press charges and go to court if necessary despite various threats and extreme pressure to drop the case. Though among the comments on her blog was one I found oddly shocking, a man who offers his advice:

Please allow me to offer some humble advice
1- continue with the case and do not give up your rights ever, those criminals must be punished and this offender is responsible for his own future. I prey that God avenges what happened to you or show this offender the path to righteousness.
2- my second advice is based on the picture of your profile, but you'll have to excuse me, you must be vigilant about the proper hijab (and I don't mean the popular and fashionable hijab of today) because it will prevent a lot of the harm that may come your way and I am sure that you would not want to harm us men, just as we would not want to harm you
Thank you :)

In all honesty, I was disturbed by the comment.

To begin with, I don't know what kind of harm Asour would have caused him or anyone else with what she was wearing.

Second, is this commentator not aware of the fact that even though hijab rates have skyrocketed, sexual harassment has followed suit? Did he not hear about the sexual harassment cases that involve women who wear niqab?

To summarize, I'd like to know when we are going to stop compromising. When are we going to stand together and speak up against sexual harassment just like Asour and Noha Rushdi before her? And when is society going to stop blaming the woman and meddling in her affairs, what she wears, and how she looks? Suppose Asour is Christian, where hijab is not even a stipulation of Christianity. Does that mean it's alright to sexually harass or assault her as per the unique perspective of Ahmed Mahana?

My questions are simple.

How do we deal with those rabid animals?
How long are Egyptian women specifically, and Arab women generally, going to give up their freedom one right after another, and give in to appease society?
And to what end is society going to make the woman carry the blame? What will happen in the end? Are we going to reach a state where women are sexually assaulted in their own homes, without even setting foot in public? Have we, as women, become that cheap?
And where is the famous Kolena Laila movement that's been trailing the internet for support? Where do they stand in all of this?

Voluntary Genital Torture

You can't live with it; you can't live without. I'm certain that almost every woman will relate to this blogger's account of a Brazilian wax at-home experience (admit it girls, you've tried it at least once). The last time I attempted a Brazilian at home my husband was standing outside the bathroom door wondering if he should call 911.

The following was copied with permission from Cynical Nymph. She's got an excellent sense of humor people, I recommend you take a look around her blog. You can also find the following article on her blog here. A warning: if you're in the office though, you will be howling with laughter as you read this.

How to Give Yourself an At-Home Brazilian Wax*
*This gets a little graphic, depending on your boundaries (i.e., if you have a problem reading the correct names of girly bits). You have been warned.

PART THE FIRST: WHY
1. Look at the stock market and all the Op-Ed articles talking about unemployment rates, plummeting retail numbers, and all the foreign capital buying America.
2. Realize that, maybe, you should save the $80-plus-tip and give yourself the Brazilian that you so desperately need. (Your Vagina: "Hello? Is anybody there? I can't see. Helloooo? Hm. It's dark in here.")

PART DEUX: WHAT
1. Buy some Sally Hansen Extra Strength Brazilian Bikini Waxing and Shaping Kit (with No Mistakes Mirror) ($10.99)
2. Grab your spiffy Tweezerman tweezers (already purchased: $20)

PART THREE: HOW
1. Read directions. Remember especially to a) always put the wax on in the direction of hair growth - remember that in certain areas hair grows more than one way, b) not work in sections of more than 2 inches at a time, and c) work from the outside in.
2. Start at the outside, toward the back, with an appropriately-sized two inch region. Apply wax. Allow to cool to just the right consistency, then remove, quickly, against the hair growth.
3. Congratulate self on what a quick, clean job you did. Note that you don't know what you were doing wrong last time you tried this with a more expensive product, because that time you didn't even make it beyond the basic bikini line.
4. Continue with a second small region, then a third. Tweeze the stragglers as you progress. Realize you are possibly the best self-waxer ever, and should probably write on contract for Marie Claire and Glamour, because you obviously have a lot to offer.

PART FOUR: HUBRIS. IT GETS YOU EVERY TIME.
1. About half way through your right side, realize you are getting to a tricky part.
2. Choose this juncture to slather on too much wax, so that you accidentally put it on against the hair growth, over a large area, where the hair grows every which way.
3. Try to remove the wax strip. Try again. Try again. Start to cry a little, thinking about living the rest of your life as That Chick Who Got Sally Hansen Bikini Wax Permanently Glued to Her Vajayjay. Realize that you could probably get on Oprah or something, to warn other of the hazards of self-waxing.
4. Get your thumb nail caught on the top of the still-not-cooled wax while trying to pry if off for a fifth time.
5. Spend the next five minutes tugging up the wax in sixteenth-of-a-centimeter bits of progress. Genuinely ponder how likely it is that you might seriously maim yourself.
6. Finally get the godforsaken gob of wax OFF. Notice that, despite what you thought, it is apparently possible to give yourself a labial hematoma.

PART FIVE: HALFWAY THERE.
1. Realize that the wax has congealed to something resembling Nutella. Evil Nutella.
2. Straighten up from your weird hunched-yet-standing position to reheat the wax. Realize that your neck and back are now permanently stuck in a shape that resembles Quasimodo.
3. Return from the microwave and glance in your No Mistakes Mirror.
4. Realize that you did your genetically less hairy side first.
5. Wonder if you could rock an '80's-style half-short-half-long hairstyle... down there.
6. Realize you just... can't. Not matter how much you'd like to. Cry.

PART SIX: DELIRIUM
1. When your spouse inquires, tell him that you are, despite what it sounds like, not committing hara-kiri.
2. Ask your spouse whether there is possibly some vodka or other hard liquor in the house.
3. Unleash at string of colorful curses when he tells you, "No."
4. As you progress on your second, more daunting side, convince yourself that every little bump or blemish you see is probably vulvar cancer, and you are probably dying. Then realize your tumor is actually a spec of wax, or a spot of skin irritated by all the tugging and paiiiiiiiin.
5. Admit to yourself that no matter how flowery the idea of natural childbirth is (when the time eventually comes), you are not cut out for it.
6. Reheat the damn wax again, OMFG.
7. Daydream about becoming a professional waxer, but only taking appointments from women whom you know... and hate.
8. Resolve to tip your usual waxer, Ninetta, 50% next time you go. (Instead of 20. Not that you ever tip less than 20%. Because only assholes do that. In New York, at least.)

PART SEVEN: SWEET, SWEET RELEASE
1. Take off the last strip of hair. Stand there in the kind of unbelievable relief probably only felt previously by, say, POWs upon their release from captivity. Or by other women who have been boneheaded enough to attempt this self-Brazilian thing.
2. Feel a surge of pride at the fact that you actually. gave. yourself. a full. Brazilian. wax.
3. Realize that you have probably just ruined your twenty dollar ($20) Tweezerman tweezers, because the wax, she is not coming off.
4. Leave the bathroom and beeline for the kitchen. Glance at the stove clock and realize that you were at it for an hour and a half OMG.
5. Pour yourself a large glass of wine. Emphasis: Large.
6. As you walk, realize that your entire genital area is... well... numb. Pray to God that this is not permanent.
7. Invent a time machine. Go back in time to yesterday. Make an appointment with Ninetta. Pay her the $80 + 50% tip (because now you know how much she truly, truly deserves it). Avoid the whole At Home Self Brazilian charade.

In the beginning

This blog is intended for a mature audience as per the warning displayed beneath the title. I created it to open a discussion, a sort of forum, where people can come to discuss sex and anything relating to sex. A word to the wise though. If you are offended by sexual content please stop reading now and leave the blog. You have been warned.

The majority of the topics I wish to discuss will be geared towards women because I'm a woman. I can't pretend to know what men think or how they feel sexually, and until I require the proper anatomy (which is highly unlikely) it's only fair to leave the part about men to male readers, of which I hope to hear from as well. My intention is to create a casual and unassuming atmosphere where anything goes. Mainly, I would like to provide an opportunity for those in search of info about sex, not medical or factual, but more along the lines of accounts or tales based on others' experiences, not just my own. I am no expert nor am I a sex guru. I just want to give others a chance to say what kind of things they've experienced, what they liked or disliked, issues relating to their gender, etc. You'll notice that I've imported some of the articles I've written on my other blog because I think these are issues that merit discussion and they all relate to gender, sex, or marriage so they belong on this blog.

This will never be a porn blog, so if you're looking for porn you'll have to get your fix elsewhere. However, occasionally some content may include nudity or graphic detail. There will be a warning posted at the beginning of each article for those who are not in the frame of mind or more likely for those who are logging on at their place of work. Nothing like a nudy pic to let the boss know that you're working hard on something other than your real job. This blog will more likely contain articles that pertain to different types of lingerie, for example, or reviews for a popular sex toy. That's not to say that there won't be a post about some person's hot one night stand though. I guess what I'm trying to say is if you're looking for cumshots or bouncing titties you will be disappointed.

Comments will be moderated, though readers will always have the option to comment as anonymous. You can also email me if you wish to share something anonymously as well.

I'm not sure what the update frequency will be on this blog; it could be daily, weekly, monthly, or a combination of all those. It's a work in progress so we'll see how it goes.

And now, onwards we go...

Alternative Lifestyle

With the new year placing it's mark on the historical horizon, it's time for some soul cleansing and mind decluttering. Something that has been weighing heavily on me for over 15 years is now ready to come out, a confession of sorts. But a more appropriate term would simply be an apology.

My apology today is directed to my friends (past and present) who are into alternative lifestyles. Though I don't like that term very much because I don't really think sexual preference involves an active choice and the term alternative lifestyle somehow implies that there could have been a better choice i.e. the normal lifestyle. Sometimes I wonder if there's even such a thing as normal and who defines it. But for the sake of this post I'll just call it that, since most people I know prefer to think of it as such. I think sexual preference is more along the lines of you are or you aren't; if you have blue eyes then you have blue eyes. You can put contact lens to change their appearance, but they'll still be blue, if you get my drift. I find it hard to believe that someone can wake up one day and decide that they like men instead of women or that getting off on spanking is the new fashion statement. I don't really know how or why it develops if at all that is the case. What I do know is that every person should be free to practice whatever form of sex they want as long as it's consensual.

Over 15 years ago, a very close friend of mine asked me one day how I felt about gay men. We were in a setting that didn't (and still doesn't to this day) allow for gays and lesbians to live freely. Any kind of sexual preference that does not fall within the norm (i.e. man and woman in missionary where man ejaculates and woman bakes a cake after) is considered deviant. In Egypt, anyone who is not straight is apparently suffering from some sort of perversion. That's what we were taught. But I am not making excuses for myself. I want to show my appreciation for my friend who would have had to overcome his own internal demons and shed all the garbage he was taught to admit to himself that he's gay. It takes a lot of effort to leave everything you know behind and embrace something new where the outcome is at best vague and unclear. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to come out of the closet because you risk alienating yourself from everyone you know and in some cases risk physical harm to your body or death threats. For that you have my respect and admiration, and also my sympathy.

He never told me he was gay because my reaction was nothing short of disgust. I was judgmental, ignorant, and blind. I told him I think gays can do their own thing but I don't want to associate with those people. Yes, I referred to them as "those people". I had a look of disgust and fear on my face. Instead of being repulsed by my reaction and whacking me a few times on the head to set me straight, he chose to keep my friendship and did not share with me he's gay. To that friend, I apologize. I am sorry for responding the way I did. I'm ashamed of the way I reacted.

I found out years later from a mutual friend, that he was gay. I found out that he had wanted to tell me all along and was pained by my reaction that he spoke of it to other friends because he so wanted us to remain friends. He was terrified that I would find out. To that friend, I apologize. I am sorry you had to go through that because of me. I'm sorry that I put you through that. All I can tell you is that I've grown since then. If I knew then what I know now I would never have responded the way I did. I still look for you till this day because I want to apologize. I have asked mutual friends if they know how to get in touch with you. I hope to find you so that I can get a chance to say I'm sorry.

To my cousin who is now married with kids, you tried to tell me that you liked other women but I didn't get it. You tried to tell me that you were sexually aroused by tying up women, and spanking them. I am sorry for not being there for you. You must have been terrified of all these fantasies and urges. Neither of us knew what those things meant at the time. We were both too young to realize that you are not sick. I am sorry that you had to endure relationships with men to hide your sexual preferences. I'm sorry that you are married to someone you don't love. I'm sorry you are trapped in a loveless marriage in order to conform. I wish there was something I could do but I can only offer my apologies.

To my friend who confided in me that she works for an escort service because she loves sex and loves making money, I am sorry you had to hide what you do for a living. I'm sorry that the rest of our friends shunned you. I'm sorry that they insulted you and called you a traitor to women. I think you are a wonderful person, and I don't believe what you do degrades women. In fact, I apologize to all prostitutes and escort services out there for being part of a society that fails to protect you by making what you do illegal.

To my aunt who has had several failed marriages. I am sorry for judging you like the rest of the family. No one understood why you were unhappy. I am sorry that no one gave you the chance to explain why you did what you did. I am sorry that you had to go through the trauma. I am sorry that you married an abusive husband. I am sorry that when the rest of the family found out you like to be a sexual submissive they thought it was alright for your ex-husband to beat you to a bloody pulp without your consent. I am sorry that no one was there for you and I'm especially sorry that you had to beg to be taken to the hospital. I wish there was something I could do but I can only offer my apologies. As a family we are partly responsible for how bitter, vindictive, mean and hateful of a person you have become. I hope that one day you can find peace.

And the list goes on. I know so many people with so many different preferences and so called darker sides. I know people who are into things so wild it'll grow hair on your tits. Some of them share my preferences, and others are into things that are totally not my cup of tea, but I don't think that gives me, or anyone else for that matter, the right to judge them.

What's wrong with getting off whichever way you want as long as it's consensual? Who has the right to judge what goes on between a group of people if they all willingly consent to certain sexual acts? I think it's a terrible and unfair thing to do, to judge others and make them outcasts because they like something different. I think of BDSM, Homosexuality, Transsexualism, and other seemingly non conforming sexual preferences or lifestyles, if you will, as just something different.

It's very simple, really. Take BDSM for example. It is to sex as to what pistachio is to ice cream. If the only ice cream in the world was vanilla we would all be bored to death. I realize that some people can only handle vanilla for their entire existence and that's perfectly fine, but it's also perfectly normal to want pistachio, mango, or chocolate.

So to everyone who has ever felt the need to hide their sexual preferences, I am sorry. And to all my other friends who's idea of being adventurous extends to eating a slice of pineapple please keep an open mind and live a little. It's not the end of the fucking world.

Divorce in Egypt

It's been noted that divorce rates in Egypt are on the rise. That is despite the fact that Egyptians generally see marriage as a means of gaining independence and engaging freely in sexual activity, as well as gaining stature from being married. It's possible that divorce rates are skyrocketing because couples have misconceptions about marriage that are created by the media in addition to the preconceptions planted in young minds by parents and family about how a marriage should be. Egyptians often get hooked on mythical marriages like that of Hollywood where phrases such as "love conquers all" and "what matters most is love" constitute the majority of mainstream dramas and romantic comedies, and let's not forget the superficial and misleading soap operas. The average Egyptian mother continues to tell her son to reign in the new wife like she's part of a cattle herd. The same mother will also tell her daughter that it's the sole responsibility of the woman to keep the household running as long as the man is financially capable. In reality marriage requires a lot more work. Some of the bigger C words that come to mind are Commitment, Compromise, and Communication, none of which the average young Egyptian has a clear understanding of it seems.

Newlywed Egyptians seem to be unequipped for marriage. Egyptian girls are brought up with the expectation that life is a journey and marriage is the destination. Women are not encouraged to be financially independent nor are they given the opportunity to be responsible for their own actions. Every choice the woman makes reflects on her family and so there's always pressure and biased sources that seep into the process of decision making. She grows up in a household where the father is the head of the family and is financially responsible for all his children until each one is married. Nowadays, some parents go even further and continue to support their sons and daughters well after marriage. That is one of the most damaging things to a marriage. It stunts its growth. It takes away the feeling of independence and responsibility, and in turn affects the way newlyweds see their marriage. It forces both parties to acquiesce to certain pressures and forcibly give in to demands, especially from the financially contributing parent. The husband resents his new wife and she loses respect for him because he's unable to provide. When our parents demand that we remain shackled with them until marriage it sets the precedent for the woman that her new husband will take care of her just like her father did. And the son who just got married is expected to shift from someone who is not responsible for anything to being responsible for everything within 24 hours. This is a completely unrealistic expectation of both genders. Egyptian parents do not give their children room to grow.

In addition, Egyptians grow up with a set of stereotypes that continue to be enforced by society well into adulthood. Men often want women who resemble their mothers. They want a household that is similar to the one they just left. They complain that women don't cook as well as their mothers or run a household in the same manner as their mother. Nostalgia, insecurity, or call it what you will. It's the environment they are used to and the one they know works. But they fail to realize that the new household is different and the new wife is precisely that, a wife, a life partner, an equal. Women on the other hand, often expect their partner to be the knight in shining armor, the be all end all of their life. The man becomes the center of their world, and in his absence they lose their sense of balance. This is unrealistic as well as grossly unfair. We cannot expect our men to be superheroes. They are human, and no one is perfect. By expecting either partner to perform according to a preexisting (and unrealistic) benchmark they are setting themselves up for failure. In that sense both partners lack the communication skills to make a marriage work. Instead they rely on traditions and notions passed on from generations before and expect things to magically make sense.

There is also a lack of compromise. It's common knowledge that marriage in Egypt costs a fortune and couples often are forced to wait for long periods until they can manage to save enough money for wedding preparations alone. In many cases, parents of both partners contribute a substantial amount of funds often in the form of an apartment or furniture, in addition to the dowry (aka shabka). Financially most couples struggle at the beginning of a marriage. Those who decline financial assistance (or don't ask for it) from family members are the ones working two jobs to make ends meet, and in almost all cases it is the man. When couples get married, often women expect the same kind of treatment during the engagement, but life is not always so rosy. Both partners had less responsibilities prior to marriage. It is extremely callous of a woman to expect the same man who is working over 18 hours a day to come home and make love to her like a horse or take her out to dinner, let alone listen to her nag endlessly about common stuff. Women seem unwilling to meet their partners half way. They interpret the man's exhaustion as a sign of less love or less interest. And while men care very much they are generally discouraged from showing affection lest they be less manly. Women seem to forget that their men are working two jobs most likely to keep them happy. When a man fails to make his woman happy, he sees the marriage go down the drain. Men who cannot satisfy their wives or make them happy often see themselves as failures. But also, Egyptian men are trained to take their wives for granted after marriage with the idea that she will always be there when he comes home. They forget that women who are taken for granted become bitter and in turn seek alternate ways to display their resentment, which could be manifested in any number of ways.

Egyptian couples are not trained to throw a lifeline. They seem to think that the butterflies in the stomach will remain forever. In reality, that feeling is often diminished after marriage but is usually replaced by a deeper connection that strengthens intimacy and communication where love can flourish. A marriage requires many concessions and an era of truce after war, similar to the deals made by politicians in search of peace. Something as simple as a woman not feeling like cooking but there is no budget for a dinner out, and a hungry man could spark an argument that would last for hours and ends with both partners being unhappy because neither would compromise. He wants her to cook dinner and she wants to dine out. Compromise would involve something such as food delivery and a movie, where the woman shows appreciation for how hard the man works and can keep to the budget while he sympathizes with how tired she must feel cleaning the house and looking after the kids, or came home from work tired and doesn't have the energy to cook. Apply that kind of compromise on a big scale and that's where the Egyptian couple fail. He sticks to the notion that women are responsible for the household and demands she provide a meal. She stubbornly states that he loves her no more and doesn't treat her the same way he did when they were engaged. Neither is looking at the big picture or all the external factors that may or may not contribute to their situation.

When both partners refuse to compromise and carry resentment for each other, communication inevitably breaks down. A marriage that lacks communication is like a ship without crew, a train wreck waiting to happen. But it's important to note that sexual incompatibility and frustration is one of the leading causes of divorce. Many couples expect that sex will solve their problems, or that sex is a reward for putting up with celibacy for so long and so it's profound enough to fix anything. Nothing can be farther from the truth. Sex in marriage often transforms into a display of affection, more commonly known as "making love" and raunchy sex is seen by some as pure passion. Sex is just that, sex. It can be an act of love between two people, but ultimately it is a physical need which humans desire to fulfill. Sex cannot solve marital problems and it cannot create affection where there is none. In fact, problems unrelated to sex often penetrate into the bedroom and translate into miserable sex or lack thereof. Egyptian couples seem to understand the significance of sex but fail to see that it's just a barometer that measures how well the marriage is doing. Couples who suffer from problems in the bedroom almost always have problems in other areas of their life that simply have been translated into the bedroom. Many Egyptian couples are overwhelmed by the sense of frustration, especially newlyweds, when they fail in the bedroom. They see it as a form of betrayal or a reward that's been denied after being celibate for so long. And that frustration can lead to abandonment. They both jump ship so to speak. Problems will always arise between married couples and that's why commitment is key to the success of their marriage. Couples who are committed to fixing their problems or meeting half way are the ones who can make their marriage work. But Egyptian couples seem to put an effort only in relation to the short term gain often because both partners come into the marriage with preset notions, misconceptions, unrealistic expectations, and excess personal baggage.

Marriage is all about the big Cs. Marriage in it's infancy is a fragile thing. It needs to be nurtured to grow and flourish. In a successful marriage, both partners are consenting adults who have successfully sorted through their personal baggage, set their misconceptions aside, and adjusted thier expectations to be in line with reality, all through communication. Unfortunately, I don't see many Egyptian couples who fit that description. Their solution, based on a short term gain, is to divorce or remain in an unhappy marriage.